Wednesday, August 27, 2008

New Childhood Cliches

I find find the old childhood cliches don't work for me anymore. "You'll poke your eye out" and "your face will stick like that" don't cut it - the kids are simply not doing anything dangerous enough to bother with ocular warnings, and they have access to the internet and know better. Old standbys like "Get off the phone, someone might be trying to call" have lost their relevance completely.

Here's a list of some of the old - my parents used them, so I know they are authentic. The new are the one's I currently use.

Old: "Those comic books are going to rot your brain. Why don't you read some real books?"
New: "Those video games are going to rot your brain. Why don't you read some comic books?"

Old: "Never play with matches again!"
New: "Never put a Mentos in my Diet Pepsi again!"

Old: "Why don't you ever empty the trash?"
New: "Why don't you ever clear the cache/trash/history/cookies?"

Old: "Eat everything on that plate - people are starving to death in China."
New: "Eat everything on that plate, and you're going to look like every other fat American."

Old: "Too much sugar is bad for you."
New: "Too much refined carbs/fat/salt/chemicals/preservatives/colorants/sugar are bad for you."

Old: "Who is Ernest Borgnine? He starred in McHale's Navy, Poseidon Adventure, and Marty."
New: "Who is Ernest Borgnine? He's Mermaid Man's voice." (I know this isn't really a cliche, but I answer questions like this all the time.)

Old: "No, Aunt Jemima and Betty Crocker are not real people."
New: "Yes, Paul Newman is a real person. He's an actor. No, the man on the rice box is NOT Morgan Freeman."

Old: "If you don't do what I ask, you'll be grounded for a month."
New: "If you don't do what I ask, you'll be playing outside for a month."

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