Wednesday, July 4, 2007

Sugar and Vice

I have a secret vice.

If I were beginning a 12 step program, admitting this would be the start of breaking the horrible cycle of addiction. But honestly, I don't care. I don't want to quit. I like it.

I'm addicted to reality cop/detective/investigative stuff, like what's on Court TV.

I confess: watching pathetic crooks get caught makes me feel infinitely superior. Watch any of these programs, and you'll notice you have nothing in common with the vast majority of these people.

No one I know leaves every bit of clothing (clean or dirty) strewn around the kitchen, and sleeps on a mattress without sheets (ok, maybe teenagers and frat boys). Who sleeps off a night of binge drug or alchohol use in the back yard of a stranger's house? Nobody. Most of us buy our pants so the waistline (hence the name) falls somewhere in the general vicinity between our hips and waist, and not under our buttocks. Tatttoos? Well, I know a few people with tattoos, but no one uses their face as the canvas. And, my family and friends are gainfully employed, so holding up a liquor store or breaking and entering aren't alternative career choices.

I've concluded most criminals fit the description of a typical guest on the Jerry Springer show. (Admit it, you've all watched at least one Springer show, or at least caught a whiff of one.) I think we can all agree we're higher up the food chain than those people.

It's a harmless addiction, really. It won't give me lung cancer or an embarrassing venereal disease. Some might argue it's eating away a part of my brain, but I don't think so. I do sudoku.

In case anyone is thinking this was an absolutely pointless blog entry, take note of my "10 Things I Learned From Watching Reality Cop Shows". This will be especially helpful if you are contemplating a life of crime.

1. Video cameras are everywhere. There are cameras in every shop, parking lot, restaurant and police car. They're on street corners and highways. Everyone owns a video camera or has a video phone. There are videos hidden in teddy bears, eyeglasses and clock radios. Unless you plan to rob your own bathroom, there's a high probability that any crime you commit will be caught on tape.

2. DNA is essentially fool proof, unless you happen to be a chimera. Any hair, skin flake or bodily fluid has your essential oils pointing a big ol' nucleic finger at you.

3. Police are well trained, and surprisingly few get killed in the line of duty. Criminals, do not get any formal training - which is probably why they get caught. Not surprisingly, they have a very high rate of early burial.

4. Unless your name is Phil Spector or OJ, the prosecution can afford to place more experts on the stand than you and your public defender.

5. Criminals are never tall, dark and handsome, nor tall, leggy and blonde (except Paris). They usually have bad skin, bad hair, and have made bad fashion choices. Meth does bad things to your teeth and complexion. Lack of personal hygiene is accentuated on TV, and everyone, except crack addicts (and Paris), looks fat.

6. Police dogs bite really hard and the scars look really bad.

7. When hiding from the cops, choosing under the bed, in the bathroom, or in a closet is a lousy idea. Ask any 7 year old.

8. Smart crooks are rarer than multi-million dollar lottery ticket winners.

9. Under intense interrogation, fabricated stories fall apart.

10. Crime doesn't pay. Unless you're the producer of a TV reality cop show.

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