Saturday, July 14, 2007

Forbidden Coffee

I just heard on the radio that the Starbucks near the Forbidden City in Beijing is closing for good. Apparently, the Chinese were outraged that an American company was hawking joe near the Sons of Heaven.

I'm sure Starbucks will survive this latest wrinkle to turn the Chinese into a bunch of quivering caffeine addicts.

My theory is that a chinese company will immediately step in to fill the void. They'll call the new coffee house "StarLucky" or "888 Sunbucks". The logo will look suspiciously like Starbucks' - ok, so they'll just rip it off. They'll serve coffee alright, but it'll have boba in it. The specialty will be Lotus seed flavored espresso. Instead of giant muffins, they'll serve bao stuffed with bean paste, and they'll offer mysterious squares of multicolored baked goods with names like "Beauty Heaven Cakie" and "Happy Wonders Slice". The coffee will not be hand picked by Juan Valdez. It will be non-latin southeast asia roast.

The local teenagers that hang out there will look like they just came from a 1976 Bay City Rollers concert.

It will be a bad coffee house, by the standards of anyone who knows coffee. But it'll be a bad chinese coffee house.

No comments: